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| A very pleasant and sincere greeting to all of you. My name is Charles Tobin, and as you can clearly see I am a kind, considerate, fully respectable 100% American with a nice wardrobe. I am president of one of the fascist -- I mean fastest -- growing companies in the country. |
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| Unfortunately, some troublemakers -- such as my friend Barry Kane here -- have branded me as a villain, accusing me of running a sabotage ring, of all things! With your permission, I will outline my case -- that it is Barry Kane, not I, who is the REAL villain -- and I believe you will agree. |
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| I first met Mr. Kane when he muscled his way into my palatial, well-kept desert estate on National Striped Bathrobe Day. |
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| Before he came in, if you can believe it, he relieved himself on my front stoop! |
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| Then, upon entry, he shamelessly ingratiated himself with my granddaughter as I was fetching refreshments. |
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| My housekeeper reacted as any good frau -- I mean woman -- would. By drawing a pistol. |
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| Mr. Kane reacted in the most cowardly way possible -- by using my granddaughter as cover! So he escaped, without so much as a thank you for the refreshments. |
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| By now, the word was out about Mr. Kane being a fugitive -- |
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| -- and he enticed a Miss Martin into pretending to be his "hostage." |
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| Together they went on a spree of property destruction ... |
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| ... ending at the Brooklyn Navy Yard, where Mr. Kane attacked Frank, one of my henchmen -- I mean employees -- who was minding his own business, peacefully listening to Radio Berlin. |
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| Then Miss Martin cruelly tricked Frank while they were sightseeing at the Statue of Liberty. |
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| This led to Frank being ambushed by Mr. Kane and Miss Martin, and things very quickly got, you should excuse the expression, out of hand. |
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| Do I blame Mr. Kane for Frank's death? Well, let's put it this way -- HE SOLD FRANK THAT SUIT. |
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| Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Judge the evidence for yourselves, and please take into account my friendly manner and luxurious lifestyle. I believe that the truth will triumph uber alles -- I mean, over all. Auf wiedersehen! |