"Al Capone," or Gang-Ham Style

This time on Motion Pictures Told Through Still Images with Goofy Captions (And GIFs!) we look at the totally true, completely factual, overacted 1959 film ...

Come and listen to my story 'bout a guy named Al,

Chicago-bound from Brooklyn town as muscle for a pal,

But Al wanted money and he had a real hot head,
so all his rivals ended up all filled with red hot lead

Bullets, that is. Bang bang. Bust a cap.

Well, the next thing you know, old Al's the man in charge,

The law would like to nab him because he lives so large,

Then there's a lot of killing, and no hits were ever cleaner. 

One guy even gets it while munching on a weiner.

Kosher, that is. With mustard. Gluten free.

Al finally goes to jail for income tax evasion,

... and it's really hard to find a rhyme for "income tax evasion."

At Alcatraz he pays the price for all his dirty tricks ...

... the prisoners all welcome him by pelting him with bricks.

Extruded, that is. Hardened clay. Adobe. 

My Accidentally Hilarious Blogathon Entry: "Attack of the 50 Foot Woman," or A Big Hand for the Little Lady

This is part of the Accidentally Hilarious Blogathon sponsored by your friends and mine at Movies, Silently, so visit them for other entries, eh what?

Great expense was spared in assembling these titles.

"We interrupt 'Sex Sent Me to the ER' for this special report.
A big ball has been spotted in the California desert, just
glowing like anything. All mentally unstable heiresses who
drive big convertibles and have unfaithful husbands are
urged to be on the alert." 

Hmm. Could this be --

-- uh oh. Too late. Nancy the unstable heiress, meet
big ball glowing like anything.

Nancy the unstable heiress (we will just call her Nancy
henceforth) runs in her cocktail dress back to the
thriving desert town of Bleached Skull and alerts the sheriff.

Meanwhile, in the town bar, unfaithful husband Harry is
being very unfaithful with his floozy, Honey. (Or
should that be with his honey, Floozy?) 

Still, Nancy cannot resist Harry's irresistible good looks
and dashing manner, even though to the rest of the
world he is basically a smirk and a necktie.

Nancy tells Harry about her sighting and they set out
to find the glowing ball. 

Suddenly the alien pilot, Mr. Clean, appears out of
nowhere because the producers couldn't afford
a spaceship door. He extends the big fake hand of
friendship toward Nancy -- 

-- and Harry suddenly remembers he left something at
home. His suitcase.

Mr. Clean thoughtfully takes Nancy back home, but she
has experienced special alien radiation, and so, like him,
she gets big fake hands.

Meanwhile, the sheriff finds Mr. Clean, who uses his
alien powers to turn a 1958 Plymouth into a '53 Chevy.

Nancy is very tall now. She starts dating Manute Bol
and gets a job with the power company. 

But revenge is on her mind! So she heads for the
bar at Bleached Skull.

There she finds Harry, and with just a touch of her
big fake hand --

-- she turns him into a badly stuffed Ken doll.

Alas, the end is nigh for Nancy and Ken -- er, Harry. It has
something to do with live wires, but don't ask me what.

The great men of science who have been following Nancy's
unusual case try desperately to control their emotions. The
town of Bleached Skull will never be the same -- at least not
until they rebuild that bar.   

"The George Raft Story," or What About Mob?

This time around, Motion Pictures Told Through Still Pictures with Goofy Captions brings you the 1961 opus "The George Raft Story."

We open in a nightclub, with 1960s people dancing they
way they think people danced in the 1920s. In fact, the entire movie
is full of 1960s people acting the way they think 1920s people acted. 

Exhibit A is our star, flipping a coin a la Raft but also smirking in a very 1960s way.
George is working in a nightclub as a bouncer, but what he really wants to do is...

...dance like Jerry Lewis.

Georgie is a good boy! He worships his mother, who talks with
an Italian accent even though she's supposed to be a German immigrant. 

He is also loyal to his childhood friend, The Riddler.

But he is bit of a hound with the ladies, including
Nurse Dixie McCall of TV's "Emergency!", who is wearing
an entirely appropriate 1920s hairstyle.

As this montage cleverly illustrates, Georgie begins working
for the mob even as he follows his dance destiny. 

Then trouble rears its ugly head. When Georgie criticizes John Malkovich's
performance in "Con Air," the backlash forces him to go west.

In Hollywood, George meets Hilary Swank ...

... and they form a dance team.

The dance team attracts the attention of a famous director -- let's call
him Schmoward Schmawks -- who casts George in "Scarface."

Headlines we doubt ever got printed.

Now George is a big star, and he has an affair with another
star -- the fabulous Way Mest, not to be confused with
Mayne Jansfield.

Then George is visited by childhood friend Bugsy "Bugsy" Siegel, who
wants to borrow $100,000 to finish his Las Vegas hotel
and have a life preserver removed from the side of his head. 

When Bugsy is murdered, George goes broke. He moves to Cuba
to become a casino greeter and he packs his satin dancing shirt. 

Then Castro enters the picture and Georgie's future
is uncertain. If only Willy Bilder would make a gangster comedy with
Cony Turtis, Lack Jemmon and Marilyn Monroe ...