"Code Two," or Star Trek

It's time for another round of the CLAMBA-Award Winning* Motion Pictures Told Through Still Pictures with Goofy Captions. Our subject this time is the 1953 film "Code Two," which, although ostensibly about three Los Angeles police cadets, is actually about three young actors trying to break into the big time at MGM. Don't believe me? See for yourself ...

It's a big day at MGM -- the stars of tomorrow are arriving
from broken homes, orphanages, bawdy houses
and correctional facilities across America!

Yes, here they are, teeming with energy and animal vitality --
young performers with tomorrow on their minds.
Who will be the next Victor Potel? The next Maris Wrixon? 

Ralph Meeker, Jeff Richards and Robert Horton have made the
first cut, all of them scoring especially well in the swimsuit
competition, judged by Van Johnson.  

Now they are at the MGM Training Academy, where they
will be whipped into shape by such studio stalwarts as ...

... James Craig and Keenan Wynn. Craig is still in costume from
his latest picture, "The Guy Who Loved Wearing Short Ties."
The two men will put the hopefuls through a grueling initiation
that includes ...

... emptying June Allyson's ash trays ...

... fixing Mario Lanza's three daily breakfasts ...

... and expressing the anal glands of
Lana Turner's poodle.

Finally, they must try to give Van Johnson a wedgie.
Many are called, but few are chosen.

Alas, Jeff Richards's option is dropped and despite the pleadings
of Van Johnson, he is expelled from the studio.

To avenge Richards, Meeker and Horton swear revenge
on MGM studio head Dore Schary.

Every day, Schary's ego is transported back and forth to
MGM in a tractor-trailer, so Meeker and Horton
plan to hijack it. But they are foiled by the truck driver ...

... Van Johnson.

Horton gets kicked off the studio lot, but he ends up
in a popular TV western.

And Meeker ends up getting into a hot tub
-- at Van Johnson's house.

* The Clamdiggers' Marching Band Association.

The "Seven Miles from Alcatraz" Guide to Fighting Nazis

You never know when Nazis might make a comeback, so we turn to the 1942 film "Seven Miles From Alcatraz" for advice on what to do when goose steppers appear on your doorstep.

Greetings, everyone! My name is Champ. I am an escaped
prisoner and Nazi-fighting expert extraordinaire.
I also have a yen for yachting attire. 

My story begins at Alcatraz, where my friend Jimbo and
I are sitting out World War II -- OR SO WE THOUGHT!

Our troubles started when we busted out of Alcatraz one night.
The movie's budget isn't big enough to show you how we
actually did it.

All you get to see is the packing crate we hid under
to make our escape. As as inside joke, they put the name
of the producer on the crate. That's why the prop guys had
so much fun shooting holes in it.

We ended up at a lighthouse that was SEVEN MILES
FROM ALCATRAZ. Here we found the captain, his
daughter Anne and comic sidekick Stormy. aka the voice of Jiminy
Cricket. We punched him out because "Pinocchio" made us cry.

Meanwhile, in San Francisco, several Nazis were getting
ready to head our way and rendezvous with a German sub. 

I started warming up for the big fight the way I used
to with Jimbo back on the Rock.

Once the Nazis arrived, the other folks didn't quite know
how to fight them.

"Go away or I'll sing 'When You Wish Upon a Star"!"

"Go away or I'll throw myself off the top of the lighthouse!"

"Go away or I'll kiss this girder!"

Things were getting weird. And when one of the Nazis
unplugged the radio because he didn't like "Fibber McGee
and Molly," well, that was the last straw.

It was time for some Badly Choreographed Fighting...

... and for me to say witty things like, "Watch that first
step, Adolf! It's a lulu!"

Then it was all over. The Nazis were captured and Anne
said she'd wait for me to get out of prison. She's not
quite as cute as Jimbo, but she'll do.

And yet, it seems the last laugh goes to our Nazi friend. He
escaped, hid out in Hollywood and re-emerged in the 1960s
as the beloved Sgt. Schultz on TV's "Hogan's Heroes"!

So stay vigilant, America, and remember -- today's TV star
might become tomorrow's Nazi. Lookin' at you, Charlie Sheen!