"Walk East on Beacon!," or Boston Commies

Everything below this logo is made up.

INTEROFFICE MEMO

July 7, 1952

From: J. Wellington Lockjaw, Studio-FBI Liaison

To: Harry Cohn, President


Mr. Cohn:

I have just come from a high-level meeting with J. Edgar Hoover at Madame La Tour's Dress Shop FBI Headquarters regarding our latest cinematic triumph, "Walk East on Beacon!" As you know, the film is based on a story that Hoover wrote for Reader's Digest, and therefore he is especially interested in the film's authenticity and verisimilitude.

Hoover also says he would like his check immediately, or else some embarrassing photos of you and Penny Singleton taken after hours on the set of "Beware of Blondie" will surface.

I screened the film the other night for Hoover and his overall impression was favorable. He did, however, offer a few suggestions, with the proviso that if they aren't followed, some embarrassing photos of you and Evelyn Keyes taken after hours on the set of "The Jolson Story" will surface.

1. Hoover asks that the promotional material for the film somehow include a mention of his new book, 50 Shades of Red, about the need for eternal vigilance against the Communist menace. I told him that wouldn't be a problem. He then expressed a desire for an endorsement quote by Sen. Joseph McCarthy. I also said that wouldn't be a problem, given McCarthy's anti-Communist sentiment. Hoover said that if it doesn't happen, some embarrassing photos of you and Adele Jergens taken after hours on the set of "Ladies of the Chorus" will surface.

2. While watching some of the film's auto chase scenes, Hoover expressed irritation at the chaotic traffic patterns and cluttered intersections and wondered if they could be cleaned up. I told him that was because the film was shot on location in Boston, and that's just the way they drive there.

3. Hoover also had some qualms about our leading man, George Murphy, who plays FBI agent James Belden. He asked if Murphy was Jewish and I replied that not only is he not Jewish, he is Irish Catholic, a lifelong Republican and born on the fourth of July. Hoover seemed pleased but added that if Murphy didn't check out, some embarrassing photos of you and Ann Savage taken after hours on the set of "Jungle Jim on Pygmy Island" will surface.

4. There is a scene in the film where an FBI agent is in his office and has a charcoal drawing of Hoover on his desk. Later in the film, in a Soviet spy's office, there is a portrait of Stalin. Hoover wants his picture to be the same size as Stalin's. 

5. Hoover was also concerned that Finlay Currie, who plays a scientist being blackmailed by the Reds, had a foreign accent. I explained that was because he was supposed to be from Eastern Europe.

6. Finally, the chief says that his contract with Columbia for the original story includes two stipulations that we must honor. 1. The Communist agent must never show a sense of humor or a glimmer of compassion. There is a scene of one Red agent smiling that Hoover says must be removed immediately. 2. The chief gets a pair of Rita Hayworth's silk stockings, sent to "J. Elaine Hoover" in a plain brown package to a secret address. And Hoover says that if word about that gets out, some embarrassing photos of you and Dee Green taken after hours on the set of the Three Stooges short "Mummy's Dummies" will surface.

That's all for now.

"Freaks," or Short Circus

Everything below this logo is made up.

MGM INTEROFFICE MEMO

January 3, 1932

From: Irving Thalberg, Head of Production

To: Louis B. Mayer

L.B.:

First off, thanks again for the invitation to your Herbert Hoover fundraiser tonight. As appealing as the prospect sounds of seeing the magnetic Mr. Hoover in person, I'm afraid that Norma and I have our regular bridge game with Marie Dressler and Ben Turpin and so we must reluctantly pass.   

Now down to cases -- I understand that you have seen a rough cut of "Freaks" and that you have some concerns. As I have already told you, this is a very unusual film, which, granted, makes it a risky proposition for MGM. On the other hand, overall box office business is good -- so good that the grapevine reports you are getting ready to buy Mexico, which is something I'm sure Mr. Hoover can help you with. Given that, I think we can find room to release a movie that takes an artistic risk.

Now, to address your points one by one:

1. I understand that you had an encounter with John Barrymore yesterday where he described "Freaks" to you as "a delightful circus movie" just before throwing up on your shoes. I think you should take anything John says with a grain of salt, not to mention grain alcohol. If you believed John's joking description, that may account for your reaction to the movie. You bemoan the lack of animals, clowns and laughing children, but those are beside the point of the plot -- although, to make you happier, we will add a scene of Wallace Ford in a clown outfit getting hit on the head with a prop hammer by Leila Hyams.

2. You write that you hate the title of the picture, that "Freaks" is too sensational-sounding. We chose that title because that is the derogatory term given to the circus people by the evil trapeze artist. The title is ironic because the movie shows us that these people are much more than freaks. I cannot accept any of your alternative titles -- "Saw Dust," "Bareback Mountin'," "Bearded Lady for a Day," "Carnivale" or "Sideshow Mob."

3. As you point out, there are several scenes where we see armless sideshow performers who are using their feet to hold a glass of beer. Per your suggestion, we will consider switching beer to milk.

4. I am at a loss to understand your desire for musical numbers in this picture. To bring the story to a halt, as you suggest, so that the Siamese twins can sing "Me and My Shadow" or so the human torso can dance to "Clap Yo Hands" would be disastrous.








5. You express concern about the level of "violence" in the film. What mayhem there is flows naturally from the plot, and the idea of giving the sideshow folk "cuter weapons" is unacceptable.









6. Under no circumstances will I even consider your suggestion that we should replace our male lead, Harry Earles, with Jackie Cooper. I don't care how much Cooper made you cry in "The Champ" -- the character of Hans is not a boy, he is a man who happens to be a midget. Therefore I also cannot consider your other plot suggestion -- that in the end, Hans is adopted.


 



7. I do agree with you that a picture of this nature requires a special publicity push, but the idea of a "Miss Freak of 1932" beauty contest at major theatres is out, as is the "Pinhead the Tail on the Donkey" competition. 

In conclusion, I hope that after an interval of time you will come to appreciate this film as a unique, engrossing look at a subculture -- a group of very human people who band together to protect one of their own (Hans) from the bullying trapeze artist and her brutish lover, the strong man. I'm hearing from people all over the lot that this is one of MGM's most remarkable films, with or without Jackie Cooper, and I feel very strongly that it is ready to go as it is. All the mishegas about this picture is going to fell me at an early age, I swear.

I believe that covers all of your concerns. Give my regards to Mr. Hoover.

"Footlight Parade," or Taps

Everything below this logo is made up.

INTEROFFICE MEMO

April 12, 1933

FROM: Busby Berkeley

TO: Jack Warner

Greetings, J.L.

First off, let me say I was delighted to see you at the premiere of "Gold Diggers of 1933" the other night along with your new protege, Miss LaTour. I think her studio dancing lessons are paying off -- she seemed very flexible. And then she did that high kick that knocked off Jolson's toupee when he was looking up her skirt! I thought May Robson was going to bust a gut laughing.

Second, many thanks for the gift of the spats. I can't think of a better way to mark the success of "42nd Street" except maybe a large bonus, ha ha!

Now to the point of this memo -- an update on our next musical project.

I know we have a title picked out -- "Step-Ins of 1934" -- and we have James Cagney set as our lead. I have a story sketched out that I'd like to tell you.

I have an idea that Cagney, basically, plays me in this picture -- he is a brilliant creator-choreographer of motion picture prologues. And he is a prisoner of his own success, something I -- if you will excuse a personal aside -- know a little something about.

Every time Cagney comes up with a brilliant musical number filled with drama, spicy humor, scantily dressed girls and dazzling geometric dance routines -- something that takes weeks to choreograph, costume, set up and shoot -- he gets but one response from his bosses:

"Whaddya gonna do next?"

It's enough to drive a person to drink! (Speaking of drinking, J.L., thanks for having a "talk" to the judge about that whole messy car wreck incident.)

So Cagney is the brains of the outfit, and he works for two oafish producers -- let's say Guy Kibbee and Arthur Hohl. They are lazy, leeching slobs who wouldn't know Art if they tripped over it. They contribute nothing of value, but they are content to ride on the back of Cagney's success. His creations make thousands for the company and yet he is rewarded with something puny and insignificant, like a lousy pair of spats.

In fact, no one recognizes Cagney's creativity except his loyal girl Friday -- Joan Blondell, of course. Everyone else in this picture is out only for themselves, unable to see past their egos, refusing to credit, even fleetingly, the genius of Berk -- I mean Cagney.









And speaking of Cagney, I think he will be swell in this picture. He has a natural pugnacious grace that fits the character perfectly and a background in dance. I know he will be happy to step away from gangster roles temporarily -- he and I have had many heart-to-heart talks about what it's like to be taken for granted by oafish producers who make millions while the performer gives his all and guarantees the success of a picture much more than anything contributed by the overpaid, empty suits in the front office.

But I digress.

As for the supporting cast, I believe we can get Dick Powell and, of course, Ruby Keeler. A Warner's musical wouldn't be a Warner's musical without Keeler and her electric feet. Frank McHugh has only appeared in about 65 other Warner's films so far this year, so he's in. And Hugh Herbert keeps bothering me about a part, so I guess we can use him.






And before you ask me "whaddya got," I can tell you that the musical numbers will be sensational, J.L. These are, of course, the numbers Cagney's character slaves over while everyone else in the business is busy counting the money he makes for them.

And, of course, they will all feature Keeler. One will be called "By a Waterfall," featuring dozens of young woman in flesh-colored bathing suits, with strings of green vines as thongs.

Then there will be another number called "Shanghai Lil," where Cagney and Keeler will dance a duet.

I haven't forgotten, J.L., that there are two things you want to see in every one of my movies. One is that weird-looking little lecherous midget kid who makes you, as you once told me, laugh your balls off. 

And the other is that man in the White House. We will manage to squeeze in a subtle message about him.











Finally, just one more thought. While I recognize the box-office value of a title like "Step-Ins of 1934," I also know that the general feeling in Hollywood these days is that the Production Code we've been flouting for so long is about to get some teeth. So rather than ask for trouble, I've been thinking of another, less incendiary title. What do you think of "Footlight Parade"? Chew it over like one of those big expensive cigars you always have in your mouth and see what you think.

As for me, I'm convinced that, by any title, this movie is going to be a hit. How big a hit? Let's just say I look forward to getting a new pair of spats.

Best,
Bus

"The Las Vegas Story," or Craps-ablanca

Everything below this logo is made up.

RKO INTEROFFICE MEMO

February 2, 1952

To: Howard Hughes, RKO President

From: Charles Foster Schmutz, RKO Legal Department


Chief --

First off, let me say it's nice to communicate with you. We haven't seen you around the studio since Preston Sturges gave you a swirly in the men's room. And also allow me to thank you belatedly for your Christmas gift -- the nail clippings certainly were packaged attractively. I am especially appreciative considering that many of the other executives received what I believe to be Mason jars full of urine.

Now, down to cases. As you know, we have received a letter from the legal department at Warner Bros. alleging that RKO's newest, most exciting, most brilliant, triumphant film spectacular of this or any year, "The Las Vegas Story," is a blatant copy of "Casablanca." I have reviewed this letter and can refute these allegations completely. Here they are, one by one:

1. The Warner letter states: "A story of romance and betrayal set in a city that is teeming with corruption and violence, "Casablanca" begins when cafe owner Richard Blaine is confronted once again with his great love, Ilsa Lund, who deserted him in Paris. "The Las Vegas Story" opens exactly like "Casablanca," by showing us a map of the region and then focusing on the city. Here a local police detective, Lt. David Andrews (Victor Mature) is confronted once again with his great love, Linda Rollins (Jane Russell), who deserted him as Ilsa did Rick."

Ha! Well, Chief, I don't have to tell you that "The Las Vegas Story" is TOTALLY different from "Casablanca." For one thing, is Casablanca the same city as Las Vegas? I think not! Just as the map of Africa is completely different from the map of Nevada! Is Las Vegas "teeming with corruption and violence"? Of course not! And just look at the character names -- Rick and Ilsa, David and Linda. TOTALLY different.



2. The Warner letter further states: "In "Casablanca," Ilsa is with her husband, Victor Lazlo, and visits Rick's bar. The first person she sees is Sam, a philosophical piano player whose music, particularly the song "As Time Goes By," plays an important role in establishing the story's poignancy and romance. In "The Las Vegas Story," Linda has returned with her husband, Lloyd (Vincent Price). The first person she sees is Happy (Hoagy Carmichael), a philosophical piano player whose music, particularly "I Get Along Without You Very Well," plays an important role in establishing the story's poignancy and romance."  


Ha! We've caught them with their pants down on this one, chief. The arrival of Lloyd and Linda in Las Vegas is TOTALLY different than the arrival in "Casablanca" -- unlike Ilsa and Victor, Lloyd and Linda come to Las Vegas by TRAIN! Also, unlike Sam, Happy is white.



3. Finally, the Warner letter says: "In "Casabalanca," the empathetic side of Rick Blaine is highlighted through his efforts to help a young couple escape from the city while avoiding the romantic blackmail of police Capt. Renault, who is trying to seduce the wife. Rick arranges for them to win just enough money at roulette to pay for their passage. In "The Las Vegas Story," the empathetic side of David is highlighted through his efforts to help a young couple who have run away to get married in Las Vegas."

Well, Chief, the runaways in "Casablanca" and "The Las Vegas Story" are TOTALLY different. In our movie, the boy has blond hair.



In conclusion, Chief, there are no grounds whatsoever to the Warner claims. Our movie centers around a stolen diamond necklace, while "Casablanca" centers around stolen letters of transit. And our movie ends with a helicopter chase! Unless I'm mistaken, there were no helicopters used during World War II. But there were plenty of Nazis, which are TOTALLY missing in "The Las Vegas Story."

I think that's it, Chief. Say hello to Faith Domergue for me.